One of the things that has plagued Nick in his journey back to himself, is the inability to swallow. He also suffers from Gastroparesis which basically means his stomach has forgot how to digest food. Today's post is fresh because last week we had a reawakening of this disorder and the panic and worry that follows it.
Nick was recently put on a new seizure drug and after one week he started having side effects from the drug which apparently kicked in his Gastroparesis. UGH. It is the hole in the dike game which one plays while caring for someone with an anoxic brain injury. You keep plugging up the leaks with your fingers, but then the leak happens somewhere else. These are the things that wear caregivers down and fuel their desire to give up.
Not this cowgirl.
I am not saying this will always be the case, but right now when challenges happen I anchor myself and get to work. I start researching and trying new things. I test and test and test and test to find the right combination that will work. Sometimes I find the missing piece and then there are times when I don't. When I can't find any answer my prayer life kicks up a notch.
I will say as my season of caregiving rounds out year 2, you have to make a choice. Many of you couldn't think of giving up your old life and the experiences that brought you comfort. All the people, places and things. I have made a commitment to Nick and his wellbeing. This does cause a strain on the rest of the family because I am not there to fix things any longer or to make a situation more comfortable for anyone. I have not forgot that I am a mother or a wife although both of those look very very different than before. I am trusting that Emily and Perry both have the ability to be who they truly are in the world without me trying to fix them or "help" them or create a picture that may not be their truest selves. I am here just to hold space for them and love them in the purest form.
Things in my life before Nick's illness were not perfect. They were big and messy.
I am really seeing the gift of when your life becomes super small and the only thing you can do is to stay in your own lane and do the work that lies before you. When this happens, everyone else has permission to grow and be and learn in their own time.
Does that mean I am dropping the ball in my relationships? I would say no. I am learning to TRUST. I am seeing first hand that the people who choose to be in my world these days are the ones that are on their own path and doing their own work. They no longer look to me to help them out and solve their problems. We have a covenant that says, "when you need help ASK and when you have learned something great, SHARE."
I have given others permission to find their own voice, and to not have me read their minds and fix their uncomfortableness.
I still receive help from friends and it comes in the most beautiful way. For example, I didn't have enough cash to pay all my bills a few weeks back. I wrote about it on a public forum. I didn't out right ask for cash because I already planned on selling some items I had so I could get enough to cover my bills. I sold things and worked some extra hours, and amazingly I had a friend stop by and hand me money. She did this in a magical way. She said, "I do not come here from the place of scarcity , I am coming to you because I am practicing Abundance. I am freely giving you this knowing that this energy will gift you and it will gift me."
How beautiful is that! Trusting the Universe to provide for us both. It did because that very same day I received another check from a friend who said she wanted to pay for Nick's caregiver for the rest of the summer. Another heavy load off my shoulders.
I hope you are walking your own talk and leaning on the things that give you strength and support. I pray that one of those things is your own inner teacher. The one that really holds the answers for you because you were born with it all inside you. We all were.
Trust, Trust, Trust. Grow, Grow ,Grow.
I end with embedding a short documentary about dysphagia which way more common than you think.