Finding a message from yourself.

As Nick lay sleeping in his hospital bed I searched my back pack for something and I found some writings that I had done a while back and it spoke to me today as it did when I wrote the words.  Here it is:

“Be mindful of your self talk and the rules you create for yourself and of others.  Place no judgement on if something is good or bad.

Suffering is Suffering is Suffering.

How does one strive or thrive living the middle way.  It is a question I ask myself often.

I sit crosslegged on the floor gazing at a candle aware of my breath.  My thoughts dance in and out.

Will it come?  Will the answer come to me?

Suffering is Suffering is Suffering…..we all do it.  I heard it said it is a gift to be unwrapped.  I hold mine in my lap.  The middle way is far from me.

My knuckles turn white and my hands cramp holding on to who I am in the world.  Who others see, who are you without the parameters placed upon you from the world?

What if the current is too strong?  What if I get too tired.  What if I get stuck on a branch that floats in the river?  What if I drown?


Will the middle way be enough?

I latch on to the 8 worldly concerns like a blanket.  It is so soft and it has been my companion for a long time

Let me release one hand from the bank of the river and let my hand float to feel the current.  It is okay.”

Here are the 8 worldly concerns taught in Buddhism

-Wanting gain and avoiding loss
- Wanting praise and avoiding blame
- Wanting fame and avoiding insignificance
- Wanting pleasure and avoiding pain

I know what you are thinking right now.  I really do.  You are thinking “what in the hell is this chick writing about in a blog that is about her son’s traumatic brain injury”  

Well, you may have a point there however, I think I have been preparing for this moment.  The suffering that has enveloped our family has taken me down a wondrous mystical path.  One I would have never chosen, but one that lay before me allowing me to trust that if I stay open and curious and don’t become full of fear and contract,  the nuggets of beauty that I will experience will explode my heart in one million tiny pieces.

P.S. Nick pulled through his surgery and the fluid has been released from his skull.  His brain hasn’t fully puffed back up to fill the space which is a bit sad because it reveals how much trauma his brain has suffered.  On the other hand no one knows how the brain completely works so even with the damage that it has endured Nick may re-route his neurons in a different way and he will create a different healing path.  I have prepared myself for all outcomes so I am at peace.