“But we were doing so good.” I keep saying to myself as I sit here at 12:24 in the morning in a dark corridor of the hospital. Nick at this moment is getting a cat scan of his lungs, brain and abdomen. He started to have a fever that isn’t breaking and some things they are worried about is
A. His brain has swelling and fevers are not good for that.
B. He has an infection that is ravaging in his body which could harm his lungs again.
Earlier today we went to get a cat scan and I went with in case he woke up. This time around they didn’t exactly tell me to leave, but I could tell things were very serious so I couldn’t ride with him down the elevator or narrate what was happening to him so he didn’t feel scared.
Perry and I are helpless. This is one of the worst feelings being not able to help Nick when he is scared. I don’t want him to think that we aren’t there for him ever. Watching him suffer is pretty unbearable, but we need to be strong and steady so when he looks into our eyes he gains strength not more fear.
I have been rubbing my faith stone with the word TRUST on it and feeling that I lack it and I get mad at myself to not believe that Nick his being held in the palm of a loving being. I don’t know the answers. I have to recognize that although this is happening to our family this is Nick’s walk and his journey. I need to be the mother lion that I have been for him making sure his path is not cluttered and clearly visible.
Please lord give me strength. May all your angels and saints guide me and teach me to be calm in the eye of this fierce storm. The darkness is creeping in again and I am scrambling for some sort of light.