Random thoughts

You do know that I have no idea what I have written before in my blogs.  This is good so I can just free write but it may be frustrating for you the reader because I probably repeat myself.  My hope is that if I do repeat myself that I have a new spin on an old thought or experience or idea.  Do I?

When Emily was here and we went to a restaurant down the street from the hospital.  It was one that served very healthy dishes that were full of flavor.  I thought that when Nick gets better I need to take him to this restaurant to try it out.  In the middle of the meal I had to use the restroom and I saw that they were upstairs.  About mid way walking up the stairwell I got really pissed.  I started thinking how I am walking up stairs and that Nick may not walk up stairs again and to make matters worse that if Nick had to use the bathroom when we were at this groovy restaurant we would be shit out of luck because he couldn’t get there because it wasn’t handicap accessible.

Mother Fuckers

That is when I saw the elevator across the way from the other stairwell and I had to check myself and my attitude at the door!

Yeah, that now happens all the time to me.  I begin a thought process with “I want to take Nick here” and then I realize I may not be able to.  I do it unconsciously all the time.  What irks me about this thought process is that I go right to limitations right away.  My friends old and new who have all types of physical limitations would be slapping my hand right now.  They don’t fall into the “oh poor me” category.  They just do shit all day long and make it work.  I am sure at one point they didn’t think like that they were reminded of their limitations  and then they eventually learned how much potential they still had.  They weren’t put into a box they too could still play sports and travel and to fall in love.

Just a few days ago a man walked into our room and said he was sent by my cousins.  He came to give encouragement to Nick and myself.  He told me that he lost his leg and part of his tush in a construction accident.  Here he was standing with his crutches with one leg telling me incredible stories about his journey.  He wanted to let Nick and I know that there are all kinds of sports teams that Nick could join once Nick was released from the hospital.  It was very cool hearing about possibilities.  He then told me about his family and how he met is wife AFTER his accident.  Someone fell in love with him warts and all.

That is really all I want for Nick.  I want him to be able to participate in life, do things he loves, and to maybe one day find someone so open hearted and lovely he can share his life with.  How friggin great will that be.  I have met so many people at The Rehabilitation Institute who have told me their love story.  The story of how they found someone AFTER their accident.  It exists people!  Individuals who aren’t caught up in how someone looks but in how someone lives.

Another observation that I have been having is watching individuals deal with what is happening to Nick.  There are many people who struggle with his situation, but their struggle has nothing to do with Nick.  It has more to do with their own fears. The fear of ending up dependent on others for your welfare.  The fear of not having control of your bodily functions and being judged.  The fear of not being successful as the world sees it.  The fear of not being as beautiful, handsome, capable as one once was and how you will be loved less for it.

My question to them is always….Is that how you are?  Do you need to check yourself?  Do you see my son as “less than?”  I don’t say it out loud, but I do think it.  I am not here to heal their journey I am only here to heal my own.

Today when Perry came to the hospital he told me he went grocery shopping.  I love when he does that because I know when I get home there will be 100 options to choose from, but its different now.  It is different because Emily and Nick aren’t home.  Part of Perry’s shopping experience was always more for the kids and what they would like to see in the cabinets.  Little things like their favorite snack foods and drinks to ingredients to their favorite meals and once they saw them they would know what was coming that week.

Perry said today, “Shopping really isn’t fun anymore for me.”

I get that.  We were basically punched in the face one day and left to get up off the floor.

We just have to remember that we will create a new normal.  We will do it because we as a family love each other so much that we will make it work.  We will find a new way to co-exists with each other.  Our extended family and friends all have the same idea and with that Perry and I and our kids know we are the luckiest.